by Robbie Carnegie

The short, stocky, hairy man stood in the middle of the sidewalk, his index finger cocked against his ear. He was talking loudly, in a resonant, baying voice, but not to any of the passers-by who viewed him with wary hostility. "Nanu nanu," the man seemed to be saying. "Mork calling Ork. Mork calling Ork. Shazbat."

Officer Don squeezed himself out of his patrol car, brushing doughnut sugar from the front of is uniform. "That’s all I need," he muttered to himself. "Another fruitcake."

"Mary." Dick Solomon leaned longingly over his desk. "Mary, Mary."

Dr Mary Albright glared up from a pile of unmarked papers. "Not now, Dick. I’m trying to work."

Dick stretched his lofty frame from his chair and strolled across to Mary’s desk with an air of studied nonchalance. "Mary," he wheedled, "can’t you spare your little snookums five minutes of love?"

Mary didn’t look up this time. "No."

"Damn!" Dick cursed and stamped back to his desk. Sometimes pretending to be human was so unfulfilling.

He rested his chin upon the cool wood surface, eye to eye with the toy that rested there. "Hello, Mr Potato Head. You’ll have time for Uncle Dick, won’t you?"

A book hit him on the side of the head.

Officer Don leaned on the booking desk of the police station, blowing on a cup of coffee. Sometimes he liked to stand this side, to put himself in the shoes of Joe Public. Suddenly the door opened and in strode a six-foot vision, a woman with cascades of fair hair framing her strong, beautiful features.

Officer Don realised he was dribbling his coffee.

"Sally," he stammered.

"Afternoon, Don," Sally drawled languorously. "How goes the fight against crime?" Almost imperceptibly, she moved up close behind him.

He did not dare turn, feeling her warm breath on his neck. "You know, Sally, some days a man starts to wonder what it’s all for. Some days there’s no call to keep the streets safe. Some days all you can do is give some poor schmoe the one-way ticket to the booby-hatch."

"Booby-hatch?" Sally queried, her chest pressed up against Don’s neck.

Don began to sweat. "Yeah, Sally. Sometimes, this life… you know, it sends people cuckoo. Sometimes a man can’t come to terms with real life - starts to think he’s from Mars or something."

Sally laughed, a little too heartily. "Mars! You’ve got to be joking!"

Tommy Solomon looked suspiciously at Harry. He brushed his long hair from his face and looked again. "You want me to do what?"

Harry squinted his eyes in an expression that passed for inscrutability from his side but read simply as stupidity from anyone else’s. He pointed knowingly, his voice a nasal drawl. "I want you to hit me with that frying pan."

Tommy lifted the utensil in his hand. "This frying pan. Won’t it hurt?"

"Sure it’ll hurt, but I’m conditioning myself. If the coyote on TV can stand it, so can I."

Tommy shrugged: "Okay," and swung the frying pan into the side of Harry’s head where it struck with a clang.

Harry went limp and fell to the ground.

Dick, slumped in his armchair, barely looked up. "Oh, for goodness sake, Tommy, why humour him?"

A murmur came from Harry’s recumbent body: "It’s an experiment. And it works. Now, if I could find the phone number of the Acme company in the Yellow Pages we’d have an anvil here tomorrow."

Dick jumped up, declaiming rhetorically, "Am I surrounded by fools? When can I meet someone worthy of my conversation?"

The sound of running feet came from the stairs as Sally made her entrance. "Dick! Dick! I’ve brought someone to meet you."

For the first time Dick noticed the stocky man in Sally’s wake.

"This is Mork. He’s an alien. He’s been here for twenty-odd years now, on a similar mission to us. I thought you’d like to debrief him."

Dick stared at the man uncomprehendingly. Could it be? Surely there wouldn’t be two missions from two planets, concurrently? Surely that was too much of a coincidence? But, suppose it was true? At last, an equal! Dick thrust out his hand. "My dear chap, how good to meet you!"

The man made an elaborate hand gesture. "Nanu nanu," he answered.

Dick raised a suspicious eyebrow. "Nanu nanu?" he queried. "You’ve been here twenty years and that’s the best you can do."

"Oh, I’m sorry," replied Mork, his words coming in a rush of enthusiasm. "That’s my traditional greeting. Of course I can speak English. I learned it as soon as I arrived."

"Of course, of course." Dick smiled benevolently. He gestured to the sofa. "Sit down, my dear fellow. What else have you learned? Sally! Tommy! Harry! This is so exciting, isn’t it? To pool our resources like this! Just think of the advances we can make in our knowledge of the Earth!"

Mork grinned back. "Well, I have learned many things. I have learned that the world can be a beautiful place if people just love one another."

Dick stared at Mork suspiciously. "Yeeessss," Dick drawled. "And what else?"

"I’ve learned that a smile or a handshake can replace a thousand words."

This time, Tommy snorted. Dick raised an eyebrow. "And what else?"

"I’ve learned the chords to Misty so I can play it on the organ in the music shop."

Harry leapt up from the floor. "Now that’s the kind of thing we want to know."

Dick stood regally and extended his index finger to the stairs. "Begone, impostor! Twenty years! Twenty years! And all you can come up with is that hippie nonsense? Sally, take him back to where you found him. Have officer Don run him out of town for all I care. Just go. Go! Leave my sight!"

Sally bundled Mork down the stairs, and with one last cry of "Shazbat!" he was gone.

The Solomon family reclined on the sloping roof outside their apartment. Sally sighed languorously. "Officer Don made sure Mork got on a train. Seems he comes from some one-horse town back East. And his wife was missing him. Can you believe it? Her name’s Mindy!" Sally scoffed loudly.

Dick sighed. "You know, Sally, I’ve learned something today. That one should never take one’s friends and family for granted. That the bluebird of happiness is right outside one’s front door."

Sally stared at Dick. "Dick," she said, "you may be High Commander. But shut up."

Dick nodded. "Fair enough."

THE END

 

(Feedback may be sent to Maria for forwarding)